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Dr. Michelle Dexter

Sexologist ~ Integrative Psychologist ~ Professor

My Blog

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How HBLU™ Saved Me from a Life of Suffering

Posted on February 8, 2021 at 10:06 PM Comments comments ()
How HBLU™ Saved Me from a Life of Suffering
If you’ve been following my posts at all, you’ve heard me talk extensively about my journey to Energy Psychology. You can read about it here. I suffered with debilitating depression and anxiety for many years. Most of the time, all I was able to do was to make sure that I fed myself and went to work. I didn’t have any energy left over for anything else. I would drag myself out of bed drag while trying to beat down my dread about facing the day, drag myself through my work, then drag myself home to lay on the couch where I would ruminate about how much I hated my life. This wasn’t living. It was subsistence.

I tried all kinds of treatments. I tried antidepressants. I tried several kinds of talk therapy. I tried meditation. I tried coaching. I tried joining a support group.  I read lots of self-help books.

Unfortunately, none of these really helped.

About 18 years ago, after all this searching for an effective treatment for my depression, I was finally introduced to Energy Psychology. A colleague showed me where to tap on my body over Traditional Chinese Medicine meridian acupoints while I made statements about my feelings.  At first, I thought it was totally stupid and pointless, but it actually worked! I felt better within a few minutes!  Little did I know that Traditional Chinese Medicine has been using acupoints for treatment for thousands of years. From that day on I was like a dog with a bone trying to understand how Energy Psychology works!

In short, Energy Psychology is the branch of psychology that “comprises a family of methods designed to strategically and methodically intervene with human energy fields in elevating physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. Applications incorporate natural energetic components into the treatment process that include, but are not limited to, meridians, chakras, biofields, and bio-electrical and electromagnetic activity of the body, the nervous system and the heart.”  Energy Psychology practitioners generally discuss the presenting issue or challenge with their client, and then use a gentle bio-field intervention (such as tapping on a meridian or holding a chakra point on the body) to elicit a change in state.
Not too long after my introduction to meridian acupoint tapping, I was asked to create and teach a survey course on Energy Psychology for graduate students at the university where I was teaching at the time. During the preparation for that course, I was introduced to Healing from the Body Level Up, or HBLU™. 

HBLU™ was created by a scientist, Dr. Judith Swack. As such, it’s designed to methodically and simultaneously treat all levels of the human being, including the physical, mental, emotional and psychospiritual.  In her words, “HBLU™ is a holistic psychotherapy system that reproducibly clears mental, emotional, physical and spiritual blocks to success.  (It) integrates the best of biomedical science, psychology, spirituality, applied kinesiology, hypnosis, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and other Energy Psychology techniques with (my) original research on the structure of complex damage patterns.  Thus, HBLU™ is a unique way to get unstuck and eliminate struggle by clearing unconscious patterns that cause self-sabotage.  In addition to healing, HBLU™ is a valuable modality for facilitating personal growth, spiritual evolution, and self actualization. “

Prior to creating the Energy Psychology survey course, I had been experimenting with many energy psychology techniques and had had good success with all of them. HBLU™, however, stood head and shoulders above the rest. Not only was my depression and anxiety rapidly improving, my food allergies and other ailments that nothing else could touch were also much improved with HBLU™.

I’ve been involved in the HBLU™ community for about 10 years now. In that time, I’ve gone from struggling with my career, my relationships, and mood to having a thriving career, getting happily married, and feeling good most of the time. If I have depression or anxiety now, there’s a good reason.

I know what it is to suffer, and I know what it is to search high and low to find meaningful solutions to life’s problems. I finally feel as If I’m living my best life, and I’m excited to share these easy-to-use tools with you.
I’ve treated hundreds of clients in my private practice with these techniques, and I’ve seen their lives rapidly and significantly improve. Dr. Swack and the HBLU™ greater community have treated thousands of people with similar results, thus the method has gained a reputation as being highly effective.

If you (or your clients) are suffering, consider giving HBLU™ a try.
I will be offering HBLU™ Module One: Clearing Trauma and PTSD training March 13, 20, 27 10:00 AM-7:00 PM Pacific Time on Zoom. 

Click here to learn more.

Finally, as your coordinator for the San Diego chapter of The Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology, or ACEP, I encourage you to attend a one hour presentation and experiential exercise on The HBLU™ Approach for Eliminating Hidden Patterns of Suffering with Dr. Judith Swack, the originator of HBLU™, this coming Saturday, Feb. 13 10:00-11:00 AM Pacific time.  This event is open to the public, and we are only asking for a nominal donation of $10-$20 USD to cover our operating costs.

Click here to register.

I hope to see you there.  Let’s end the suffering!

Emotional Wellness: A Path to Peace

Posted on September 20, 2018 at 12:07 AM Comments comments ()


I embarrassed myself.  Again.  This time I told my Introduction to Psychology/Psychology 101 students that we only dream in REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.  It turns out that we do occasionally dream in N-REM (non-rapid eye movement) sleep.  To make it worse, a colleague noticed my mistake! I beat myself up for a long time, and told myself in a very stern manner, “I’m the professor and I should know better!”     

Not surprisingly, at this point in my life, I was deeply unhappy.  I was depressed and anxious most of the time.  I was quick to overreact to the slightest provocation.  I spent a lot of time and energy being completely derailed by fear, shame, embarrassment, sadness, anger, guilt, and a whole host of other unpleasant emotions. 

My career was not progressing the way that I had hoped and dreamed.  I was stuck teaching in what I thought was a subpar college.  I had no private practice clients to speak of.  I was struggling financially.   I was divorced and unhappily single, and no good prospects seemed to be manifesting.

I didn’t want to live my life this way any more, and I was searching for a meaningful solution.

I read a lot of books.  Some helped, but not a lot.

I tried talk therapy.  It was okay.  I made a little progress.  It felt slow and stilted, though.  I often walked away from my sessions feeling more broken than I had at the beginning of the therapy hour.

I went to graduate school to get my doctorate in psychology. I got a whole lot of information there about why I felt that way that I did, but again, there were no appreciable solutions.

I enrolled in a life coaching training course.  I learned a few tools that made me feel better.  I thought that I was finally on the right path.

Little did I know, though, that it wasn’t the coaching training that was going to be the solution I was looking for, but a fellow coaching trainee. 

I got paired with Kay in a coaching exercise dyad.  When the coaching technique we were to practice didn’t work well for me, Kay told me that she wanted to try something else: Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT.  I’d never heard of it, and the name seemed cool, so I tried it.  I felt stupid doing it, though, because I was just tapping on points of my body while I made statements like “I really hate how I feel right now,” and “I’m really upset about this.”  The whole process seemed juvenile and like some dumb pop-psychology exercise that was magically supposed to make me feel better, like one of those bogus “just put your feelings in an imaginary balloon and watch it float away” type exercises.   As resistant as I was, though, something notable happened.  I felt better.   A lot better.  I felt at peace with the issue Kay and I treated. 

Now I had to know why.  I was obsessed with figuring out how tapping on a few places on my body could make such an appreciable difference.  This led me to a whole new field of psychology-Energy Psychology.

Energy Psychology is the branch of psychology that co-treats the body, the biofield, the mind, and the spirit all at once.  It combines ancient healing traditions, including Ayurveda and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), with cutting edge science, including quantum physics and quantum mechanics (If you’d like to learn more about this science, visit energypsych.org). 

So why did tapping on my face and body make me feel better that day?   It turns out the originator of EFT, Gary Craig, discovered that stimulating acupressure points while thinking of related distressing thoughts and/or feelings activates the parasympathetic response, or relaxation response, which is our natural state of de-stressing.  In short, it allows the body to come back to homeostasis.

EFT was only the beginning for me.  Since then I’ve trained in 42 energy psychology methods and hundreds of Energy Psychology techniques; most of them much more sophisticated than EFT, and therefore able to effect deep levels of relaxation, healing, and life transformation.

I’m happy to tell you that I finally found what I was looking for in Energy Psychology.  I am no longer depressed.  I am rarely anxious, and if I am there’s a reason.  I don’t feel embarrassed about that gaff in Psychology 101 anymore.  I tell myself “I’m human and I make mistakes,” and I’m at peace about the whole incident.

I landed my dream job as a professor teaching Integrative Psychology courses (which include Energy Psychology topics) at a respected graduate school.  My private practice is thriving.  I more than quadrupled my income.  Perhaps most significantly, I married a good, kind, generous man two months ago and I am really happy.  My life is far from perfect, but it’s a heck of a lot better than it used to be, and I expect it will only keep getting better.

I’m excited about sharing what I've learned.  If you are interested in chatting with me about how integrative energy psychology work can help you to let go of shame, anger, fear, and help you achieve the life you want, I'd be happy to have a free 15 minute consultation with you.  Your best life is waiting! 

Michelle

Does Penis Size Really Matter?

Posted on July 21, 2014 at 11:29 PM Comments comments ()
I came across a documentary recently that got me really thinking about the age old question, does penis size really matter?  And if so, what’s the best way to address this issue? 

Patrick Moote was inspired to create his documentary, Unhung Hero (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2708946/?ref_=ttmd_md_nm), after he publicly proposed to his girlfriend at a sporting event, and she ran away.  Later she told him that she couldn’t marry him because his penis is too small.  Ouch! 

In the documentary, Patrick travels the world investigating every option he can find for penis enlargement, but in the end (spoiler alert!) he decides that he should make peace with this penis and accept it for what it is. 

I’ve heard many a man express concern that his penis isn’t large enough to please his partner, and a few go so far as to state that if their penises were larger, then they could make their female partners achieve orgasm during intercourse.

So let’s address these concerns.  But first, I want to lay out some facts:

1.The average adult penis size while erect is between 4 inches and 6 inches.

2.The average adult vagina is 4 inches deep.

3.The majority of women find it PAINFUL to have intercourse with men who have overly large penises.  Most women's cervixes (located at the top of the vagina) are terribly sensitive, and most women do not enjoy having their cervixes pounded at during intercourse.  Men in this situation must learn to be terribly hypervigilant during sex so as to avoid hurting their partners.

4. The majority of women will NEVER achieve orgasm while having intercourse.  Research indicates that only 40% of women are even capable of achieving orgasm during intercourse.

5. Only the lower 1/3 of a woman's vagina has sufficient nerve endings to cause sensation.  The top 2/3 has so few nerve endings that a woman cannot feel very much at all there.    

In our culture, we associate big penises with masculinity, power, virility, and strength.  I would like to submit that perhaps this is a skewed conception of reality, and we would do well to challenge this assumption.  There are plenty of ways to feel masculine, powerful, virile and strong, all with an average—or even small—penis!

In a recent study, when women were interviewed about how satisfied they were with their sex lives, the researchers discovered that the relationship between their partners’ penis size and sexual satisfaction was practically nil!
                                                                                                
Women are much more concerned with sexual skill than they are with penis size.  If a man can make a woman feel feminine, attractive, and desired, he is already yards ahead of the competition!  If he can use his penis well to give her pleasure—regardless of size--she will be bragging to her friends for sure.

So, what does it mean to have good sexual skills?  Here are three hallmarks:

1. Men who know and use the coital alignment technique (CAT) where they position themselves so as to have their pubic bones rub up against a woman's clitoris during intercourse are sure to delight women.  Do not expect, however, that this will make a woman achieve orgasm during intercourse.  Again, most women, no matter what, will never be able to climax during intercourse.

2. Men who have ejaculatory control and who can last a sufficient amount of time (which will be a different amount of time for every woman) so that a woman can have sufficient pleasure are also a treasure among women.  (If this is of concern for you, have no fear, this can be learned).

3. Men who take the time to make sure women have sufficient foreplay, attend to her orgasm, and cuddle afterwards are worth the praises women heap upon them.

There is likely nothing less sexy than a man who is obsessed with what he perceives to be his small penis.  Dan Savage, the famous sex columnist, discloses in the video that he had a boyfriend who was convinced that he had a small penis.  Evidently, all Dan’s boyfriend could talk about was how terrible it was that he had such a small penis, and fret to no end about how this must make him inferior.  This wore on Dan, and it was a major factor in the reasons why Dan eventually broke up with him.  As a woman who has had a similar experience, I cannot say Amen loudly enough! A man who repeatedly laments over his allegedly small penis is a buzz kill!  Such displays of insecurity and lack of self-acceptance are not sexy.

Here are the take away lessons:

Most women are happy with their partners’ penises.  Given the physiology of the vagina, most women do not require large penises to be sexually satisfied.  Men would do well to stop worrying about the size of their penises and focus on self-acceptance and making women feel loved, cherished, attractive and desired, which will in turn make women want to sleep with them.  In bed, men would do well to focus on giving and receiving pleasure rather than focusing on the size of their penises.  We all have things about our bodies that we don’t like, but truly healthy sexuality means that we accept our bodies as they are and we celebrate their functioning.

Discussing Sex with Your Children

Posted on March 7, 2014 at 9:02 PM Comments comments ()
I was leading a discussion in my Marriage, Family and Intimate Relationships course the other day on the hows and the whys of parents discussing sex with their children.  I was dismayed when a man who has an eleven year old daughter said that it's not necessary for parents to discuss sex with their children, because they'll learn everything that they need to know in school.  I'd like to make a case for why it's important for parents to have these discussions with their kids. 


First, not all schools have a comprehensive sex education program.  Some schools only teach about biological functioning, leaving out all information about intercourse, birth control/contraception, and human sexual motivations.  Additionally, some teachers are uncomfortable presenting this material, so they gloss over it. Worse yet, some teachers are sex negative, and promote sex negative ideas, such as sex is only for straight people, gay men and lesbian women are sexual deviants, sex for pleasure is unacceptable, and having sex means you're virtually guaranteed to contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI). 


Second, when children do not have access to accurate information, they often rely on their friends for sex education, and  I don't know about you, but I heard some crazy things about sex from my friends when I was a child.  When I was ten, one of my friends told me that a condom is something that a boy puts on his penis to make it bigger!  I'm sad to say that I believed this for many years.


Third, if you care about your children's sexual values, it's important that you share yours with your children.  If you want your children to only have sex with people with whom they share mutual respect and affection, tell them so!  If you want your children to be responsible about sex--using condoms and/or other birth control methods-- make this clear to them and give them access to contraception. 


If you feel uncomfortable discussing sex with your children, know that this is normal, but part of parenting is teaching your children about life, and sex is a part of life.  If your child balks at these discussions, he or she is responding to your discomfort, and that’s okay, but it's important to persevere.  There are a number of good books on the market that can give you good fodder for how and when to discuss sex with your child.  You can also read these books with your child.  I recommend It’s so Amazing! by Robie Harris (http://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Families-Library/dp/0763613215/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_til?tag=wwwdrmichel04-20&linkCode=w00&creativeASIN=0763613215).


Another thing to remember is that if a child is old enough to ask questions, he or she is old enough to receive honest answers.  You needn't give more information that what the child asks, though.  If, for example, a small child asks how a baby gets in a mommy's belly you can simply say that a daddy plants a seed in the mommy's belly and it grows into a baby.  If the child persists, and asks how the seed got there, then your child is old enough to know about intercourse.  You can simply say that a daddy puts his penis inside a mommy's vagina and seeds come out.  By the way, it's important to use anatomically correct names when discussing sex with children.  It's a disservice to children to use silly name for genitals, such as dingle or wee-wee or hoo-ha.  If children aren't given proper names for these parts, they may be terribly confused about sex.  When I was a child and my mother told me that a baby comes out of your bottom, I wasn't sure if that meant that I'd grow up and poop out a baby someday. 


Do your children the favor of being a parent who is a trustworthy source of information, who lets them know you care about them growing up to be sexually responsible, sex positive, and sexually well adjusted adults.  I can only hope my student will reconsider being this for his daughter.  She deserves to know her dad cares.


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